In Praise of Coffee

I found this list a while back on a Tripod blog, but sadly the site has long since disappeared. However, the subject is a perpetually loved one, namely, coffee!

Read away and thusly subject thyself to intense heart palpitations:

You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When…
1. You ski uphill.
2. You speed walk in your sleep.
3. You answer the door before people knock.
4. You sleep with your eyes open.
5. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
6. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
7. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
8. The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.
9. You lick your coffeepot clean.
10. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
11. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
12. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
13. You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
14. You don’t sweat, you percolate.
15. You’ve worn out the handles on your favorite mug.
16. You’ve built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.
17. People get dizzy just watching you.
18. People can test their batteries in your ears.
19. When someone asks you, “How are you?” you answer, “Good to the last drop.”
20. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
21. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
22. Your Thermos is on wheels.
23. You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
24. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
25. You think being called a drip is a compliment.
26. You don’t tan, you roast.
27. You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
28. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
29. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Whoever wrote this knows me so well it is scary.


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