Business Signs of the Times

This is one of those perpetually forwarded “fun” emails from years back that I still kept in my hard drive for amusement.

What the hey, I still like some of the stuff I read so I wanted to share these on my blog.

Sign over a gynecologist’s office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a podiatrist’s office:
Time wounds all heels.

On a septic tank truck in Oregon:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At a proctologist’s door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.

On a plumber’s truck:
Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.

On a plastic surgeon’s office door:
Hello. Can we pick your nose?

At a towing company:
We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

On an electrician’s truck:
Let us remove your shorts.

In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

At an optometrist’s office:
If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

On a taxidermist’s window:
We really know our stuff.

On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!

At a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.

Outside a muffler shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a restaurant window:
Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a funeral home:
Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.


The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four (4) reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!

In Praise of Coffee

I found this list a while back on a Tripod blog, but sadly the site has long since disappeared. However, the subject is a perpetually loved one, namely, coffee!

Read away and thusly subject thyself to intense heart palpitations:

You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When…
1. You ski uphill.
2. You speed walk in your sleep.
3. You answer the door before people knock.
4. You sleep with your eyes open.
5. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
6. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
7. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
8. The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.
9. You lick your coffeepot clean.
10. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
11. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
12. You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
13. You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
14. You don’t sweat, you percolate.
15. You’ve worn out the handles on your favorite mug.
16. You’ve built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.
17. People get dizzy just watching you.
18. People can test their batteries in your ears.
19. When someone asks you, “How are you?” you answer, “Good to the last drop.”
20. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
21. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
22. Your Thermos is on wheels.
23. You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
24. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
25. You think being called a drip is a compliment.
26. You don’t tan, you roast.
27. You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
28. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
29. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Whoever wrote this knows me so well it is scary.

A Woman’s Life Cycle

This is from an old email that I kept because I found it amusing.

It was written from a male perspective, so if anyone makes comments about sexism, chauvinism and all that, I suggest you go get a life. This blog is not the right venue.

Happy Valentine’s Day, minions!

What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

· At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
· At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
· At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
· At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
· At 48 – She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
· At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
· At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
· At 78 – What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

Mouse Balls

I don’t know how they wrote this with a straight face.

This was, apparently, a real memo sent out by a well known international computer manufacturer to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

Five Tips for A Woman

I would like to share these five very useful tips to my fellow femme fatales.

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

No wiser words have ever been spoken.

All-New Vocabulary

Allow me to share the brand-spanking-new definitions of some everyday words. Enjoy!

A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”

The confusion of one person multiplied by the number present.

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

A banker provided by nature.

One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Books, which people praise, but do not read.

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

The name men give to their mistakes.