All-New Vocabulary

Allow me to share the brand-spanking-new definitions of some everyday words. Enjoy!

School
A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Nurse
A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”

Conference
The confusion of one person multiplied by the number present.

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father
A banker provided by nature.

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.

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More than Mathematical

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here is a little mathematical formula that might help us answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

However:

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it is the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

This tasty piece of spam is credited to a friend of mine who cooks the best Lumpia Shanghai in the whole damn planet and can definitely bitch up a storm when her black stilletos get scuffed.

The Silent Killer

“There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven.”
~Ecclesiastes 3:1

The list I am sharing below is for everyone out there who, at one time or the other, suffered from ze silent killer: Stress.

Goodness knows we need all the help we can get.

Thirty-Six Ways to Reduce Stress

1. Pray.

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won’t fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.

6. Simplify and unclutter your life.

7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don’t lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.

11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can’t do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don’t use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.

14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.

15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.

16. Carry an inspirational book with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19. Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don’t wait until it’s time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures and inspiring quotes on hand.

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good “Thank you, Lord.”

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).

32. Sit on your ego.

33. Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.

36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you are grateful for that you have never been grateful for before.

Finally: “Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn’t happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.”

Amen to that, and everything.

Just Press It!

I would like to officially welcome one and all to Shi’s WordPress Blog, my journal of shared ideas and various shots of randomness from all over the World Wide Web.

Since 2001, I have been collecting emails, blog posts and other such articles that made me laugh, cry and think, among other facets of the emotional spectrum.